Flowers
Shining brightly
near a drabby old shack,
or what some people would call it-
"The ruins of a beautiful place."
They were new friends
but now are old.
They are reliable to come back
year after year,
always welcoming me
with sweet smelling pollen.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I thought it was pretty cool. I liked the image of the sweet smelling pollen but in places the good imagery was lost by certain words e.g drabby.
really nice though.
Hey Aspen Welcome to the site!
The poem was very short & sweet.
But as Incandescence says u have a long way to go.
Keep writing!
-Ani.
London Aspen,
Being nine years old, I give you my highest accolade.
This is far more lucid than most of the work posted here by much older and more experienced poets.
That said (and I don't mean to discourage you), you still have a long way to go. Most beginning poets do the sort of thing you have done here: they describe something.
But that's okay; after all, we all have to begin somewhere!
What you should aim for now is trying to couple your description of something with a certain emotion. You can do this in many ways: simile, metaphor, allusion, alliteration, and so on.
If you follow this: YWS Homepage -> Community -> Writing Tips, you will find an assortment of posts made by (usually) good writers to help beginning poets and authors with their writing. You might check these out for some detailed comments.
Good luck,
Brad
Ahhh... good for your first shot. ^_^
Some suggestions, though, if I may:
... possibly change to or what some people would call-/"The ruins of etc.... As is, "it" hangs -- not needed. And drabby? Ah... I think you meant drab...
The second line doesn't feel right; "...They are reliable to come back..". Maybe They are reliable, coming back... etc.
Short and to the point, fine piece for your first post. ^_~
~Dreamy